Pondering

So I went for a nice 6+ mile walk around Easthampton today to get out. I've been severely depressed lately. I feel like I don't even matter. I'm not important to anyone. No one seems to start conversations with me unless they see I'm hurting on Facebook. I get that everyone has their own lives and I don't want to bother anyone. I just hide in my room. All I really look forward to is my little time with Megan, but my depression is making that tough too. 

I wish I was important. I used to get random texts. I'd get woken up by someone to talk. I mattered. Now when I need it the most it's gone. 

I go on Facebook and get reminded of how alone I feel. I see happy couples. I see friends gathering. I'm not one of those. I've always been a behind the scenes guy. I never wanted to be front and center. Even at my own wedding it was all about Jenn. That's how I wanted it. But sometimes it's nice to hear you're loved, and wanted. 

I know virtually no one will read this. If anyone at all. But at least I got it off my chest kind of. 

Depression sucks

So today is my moms birthday. And I get to see Megan today. It should be a day of great joy. But I'm extremely sad. 

I can't controll my depression. I miss my family so much. Birthdays are supposed to be spent together celebrating. I just want to disappear. I'm going to ruin my moms birthday and my day with Megan. 

Brian Sarah and the kids are over and my anxiety is through the roof. I'm trying not to show the pain. I've taken my daily meds, and my emergency ones. I just want to crawl into bed and stay there. 

I don't want to be near anyone. I just want to crawl into a hole. I feel like such a bad person. I want to avoid everyone. The bad part is part of the reason I'm depressed is I'm lonely. 

I just want to make Megan happy. As long as she's happy I'm satisfied. I'd give anything to have my family be happy. 

Let it Go is Annoying

Some days are just really hard. I really just want to go home. Megan is here with me and I'm putting on a brave front but inside I'm crying. I'm enjoying my time with Megan and wishing I could spend more time with her. I just make sure she's happy when I'm with her. She doesn't know I'm sad. 

We're on our way to see my nephews race and spend some time with Uncle Pat while he's home. I'm happy for all of that. I just want this heartache to stop. 

It's funny I can provide comforting words to others but I have a hard time taking that advice. Especially when I only want to be happy and can't spend as much quality time with the ones I love as I'd like. 

P.S. The song "Let It Go" annoys me. 

Tokens, Signs, and Omens

Everyone believes in something. Everyone believes when they see certain things it brings luck, or good things will happen. For me a couple of these things are butterflies and dragonflies. It seems as I go walking I see these things more and more, without searching for them. Some are real, and some are depictions. I believe they are all positive. Today as I was asking feeling down and talking to God, I had a dragonfly go right in front of me. And as I was texting a friend I was also asking God for some help, again go saw another dragonfly buzz by right in front of me. Good things will come to pass. I can feel it. And I see the tokens.

 

Partying Like A Kid

I never want this day to end. I got to spend it with Megan and her cousins. Music playing, swimming and family. This is how a summer weekend should be. I wish there were 1 more person here. It's a gorgeous day. Can't get much better. 

Walking To The Coke Bottle

I was having a rough day. So I decided to get out for a walk. No idea where I was going. Just walking. I walked to the center of town where there is this beautiful pond. If you look carefully you may see a Coke Bottle. I remembered a picture like this from when I was a kid. I hit the pond at a great time to take this picture. It was great. I just sat on the bench for about 15 minutes enjoying the view. I love water scenery and mountains. They are just so peaceful. 

Walking With Butterflies

Butterflies have special meaning to me. When walking I seem to keep coming across images of butterflies. These two are huge. I like walking in this area. There's lots of trees and animals. And purple flowering plants. When I see these things it brings a smile to my face.  Megan likes butterflies. 

Got to go swimming with Megan. Opened the pool. It was great. As we were swimming I noticed a bush near the pool, that my mom told me was a butterfly bush. Can't wait to see the butterflies near it. 

Walking on Main St.

Today was a beautiful day. I went out for a walk around Easthampton. Walked through "downtown" and back. About 3.75 miles. Along the way I just kept thinking about Megan and her birthday party this coming Saturday. I wish the whole family could be there. Maybe some day. I want to get her another birthday present. I have a good idea. You'll have to wait to find out.  Also I got to see things that mean a lot to me. Signs of good things to come. I can't wait until things are good again. It's coming slowly but surely. 

Walking With My Angel

Got to spend a great day with my Angel Megan. It was her eighth birthday. We made her a necklace and then got to go to Look Park for Abbey's birthday party. Megan got to see her cousins and other kids. She got to enjoy the playground. I can't wait to take her to Build a Bear to use her gift card. She'll be making a bear from her to me as well. 

Tokens

I keep getting Tokens from God. Songs, Butterflies. Odd things that some consider coincidences. But they are all signs that God is here for me. This song comes on http://youtu.be/k1jCm_NEdfk

Which is how I feel. It's about some woman walking away from him, and it hurting. It's not about getting her back. I wish others could see that's how I feel. I'm trying to move on. But every time I hear she wants it to be over it hurts. Why wouldn't it?  I love her and always will. She's the mother of my princess. And my best friend. 

Walking And Talking

Sometimes a short walk and a long talk will do wonders for your mind body and soul. Went for a short walk with a good friend and chatted about life and struggles and Guardian Angels. I felt at peace. It's nice to have people helping me on my journey.  We all have our guardian angels. I'm lucky enough to be able to hug some of mine. They'll never know how much I truly appreciate them. Words can't describe it. 

A Great Date With Megan

I had a nice little walk this afternoon. I was in a hurry to get back so I could see Megan. Tuesday is our quick visit. Only a couple of hours. We went out and she played on the swings. Asked a couple of tough questions. We went in and played Sorry and Go Fish, which she won at both, and had a good time. A little bit before she was about to leave I could see her getting upset. She started crying and said she never wanted to leave me. And wanted to see me more. I told her it was ok to cry because we loved each other so much and we missed each other. That was one of the hardest things I've ever had to do. I started to talk to her about her birthday and that cheered us up. Her smile could lift my heart to the moon. I love this little girl more than anything in the world. It breaks my heart that I can't be with her all the time. Only a couple more days until I can get another big hug. 

Walking The Hills

Walked a new route today. Had a few more hills than I'm used to. Also ended up with some blisters from the new sneakers. It was a beautiful day out. Nice long walk. Almost 4 miles.  Lots of new wooded areas to take pictures of. Think I'll have to do this route again. 

Bittersweet Day

Today has been a bittersweet day. Yesterday with Megan was great. I'm still trying to enjoy that. Today though is the 13th anniversary of when I met Jenn. It should be a happy day. Took a 3.25 mile walk around Easthampton to clear my head. Didn't really work. I really miss her. Some days hurt more than others. Some days I just want to disappear.  It seems special days are really hard on me. 

I just want my family back. More than anything in the world. 

A Day With My Megan

Today I get to spend time with my little princess. Yesterday was nice, but today should be even better. Wish I could have taken more pictures but it wouldn't have been appropriate. I'm all excited. And she is too. 

The day went great. Went to Look Park for a bit. Got to snuggle and watch Spongebob like we used to. Found a couple of Four Leaf Clovers. Wish it didn't have to end.  Can't wait until Tuesday when we can see each other again. 

Walking To My Munchkin

Today is a great day. I get to see my little princess. It's been too long. I love her so much. I'm so excited that I can't sit still. It's almost like Christmas Morning. 

I can't wait until I can take her on some of my walks. I think she'd like Look Park. There's so much to see and do. It's become one of my favorite places to go. 

I also just found out I have a new job starting soon. I'm super excited about that. I hate sitting around waiting for things to do. 

A Walk Into the Unknown

Sometimes taking a walk into the unknown can lead to great things. I mean that both as a metaphor and in real life. I kept walking past a sign during my walks. One day I finally decided to check out the footpath the sign led to. It led to a beautiful area with a small brook that I had known was there since I was a kid. I never went there until that day. I had been missing out on something beautiful. 

In my life I never knew I liked photography. I never knew I enjoyed walking. I never knew I enjoyed nature this much. This unknown has brought me some joy and something beautiful to share with my daughter Megan. 

Walking and Thinking

Some times I just need an escape. Taking walks and seeing the beauty around me helps me clear my head. I think about all the good things in my life, and even some of the things I'd like to change. I've discovered I like photography. Especially pictures of mountains and the sky. It helps me feel at peace. I feel better inside, and it calms my nerves.