Pondering

So I went for a nice 6+ mile walk around Easthampton today to get out. I've been severely depressed lately. I feel like I don't even matter. I'm not important to anyone. No one seems to start conversations with me unless they see I'm hurting on Facebook. I get that everyone has their own lives and I don't want to bother anyone. I just hide in my room. All I really look forward to is my little time with Megan, but my depression is making that tough too. 

I wish I was important. I used to get random texts. I'd get woken up by someone to talk. I mattered. Now when I need it the most it's gone. 

I go on Facebook and get reminded of how alone I feel. I see happy couples. I see friends gathering. I'm not one of those. I've always been a behind the scenes guy. I never wanted to be front and center. Even at my own wedding it was all about Jenn. That's how I wanted it. But sometimes it's nice to hear you're loved, and wanted. 

I know virtually no one will read this. If anyone at all. But at least I got it off my chest kind of. 

Depression sucks

So today is my moms birthday. And I get to see Megan today. It should be a day of great joy. But I'm extremely sad. 

I can't controll my depression. I miss my family so much. Birthdays are supposed to be spent together celebrating. I just want to disappear. I'm going to ruin my moms birthday and my day with Megan. 

Brian Sarah and the kids are over and my anxiety is through the roof. I'm trying not to show the pain. I've taken my daily meds, and my emergency ones. I just want to crawl into bed and stay there. 

I don't want to be near anyone. I just want to crawl into a hole. I feel like such a bad person. I want to avoid everyone. The bad part is part of the reason I'm depressed is I'm lonely. 

I just want to make Megan happy. As long as she's happy I'm satisfied. I'd give anything to have my family be happy. 

Let it Go is Annoying

Some days are just really hard. I really just want to go home. Megan is here with me and I'm putting on a brave front but inside I'm crying. I'm enjoying my time with Megan and wishing I could spend more time with her. I just make sure she's happy when I'm with her. She doesn't know I'm sad. 

We're on our way to see my nephews race and spend some time with Uncle Pat while he's home. I'm happy for all of that. I just want this heartache to stop. 

It's funny I can provide comforting words to others but I have a hard time taking that advice. Especially when I only want to be happy and can't spend as much quality time with the ones I love as I'd like. 

P.S. The song "Let It Go" annoys me. 

Tokens, Signs, and Omens

Everyone believes in something. Everyone believes when they see certain things it brings luck, or good things will happen. For me a couple of these things are butterflies and dragonflies. It seems as I go walking I see these things more and more, without searching for them. Some are real, and some are depictions. I believe they are all positive. Today as I was asking feeling down and talking to God, I had a dragonfly go right in front of me. And as I was texting a friend I was also asking God for some help, again go saw another dragonfly buzz by right in front of me. Good things will come to pass. I can feel it. And I see the tokens.

 

Partying Like A Kid

I never want this day to end. I got to spend it with Megan and her cousins. Music playing, swimming and family. This is how a summer weekend should be. I wish there were 1 more person here. It's a gorgeous day. Can't get much better. 

Walking To The Coke Bottle

I was having a rough day. So I decided to get out for a walk. No idea where I was going. Just walking. I walked to the center of town where there is this beautiful pond. If you look carefully you may see a Coke Bottle. I remembered a picture like this from when I was a kid. I hit the pond at a great time to take this picture. It was great. I just sat on the bench for about 15 minutes enjoying the view. I love water scenery and mountains. They are just so peaceful. 

Walking With Butterflies

Butterflies have special meaning to me. When walking I seem to keep coming across images of butterflies. These two are huge. I like walking in this area. There's lots of trees and animals. And purple flowering plants. When I see these things it brings a smile to my face.  Megan likes butterflies. 

Got to go swimming with Megan. Opened the pool. It was great. As we were swimming I noticed a bush near the pool, that my mom told me was a butterfly bush. Can't wait to see the butterflies near it.